I stripe myself

I practice jiu jitsu, and I am a white belt (which is the lowest level belt). I write this humbly, as a new student of jiu jitsu and truly honor the long lineage of teachers, and the rituals and rites of passages gifted down from teacher to student for hundreds of years. This is a sacred art and practice to so many people, and I write in context to this truth.

During your jiu jitsu journey, you are given stripes. Four stripes per colored belt. Once you get four stripes, you move onto the next color belt. People will cry, drop to their knees, fight tooth and nail, pretend like it’s not a big deal, and react all sorts of ways to this little piece of tape-because it represents so much more than a rank. It can represent a rank to some, but for most, it represents time, commitment, your own internal growth as a person, external growth in your jiu jitsu practice, hard work, money spent, overcoming fear, showing up even when you don’t want to, and devotion to the reasons you show up.

At our gym we have a day where we do promotions. Sometimes we know when this day will be and sometimes we don’t. I think there is something really special about having a particular day where each person who has done the work gets recognized on that day. In many other indigenous cultures there is a specific day where a ritual takes place and each young person from the tribe shows up to the rite of passage or to the ritual (click the hyperlink for an example). The whole tribe/community is there witnessing them on their journey. Honoring their becoming. Honoring who they are transitioning into. It is a delineation in the psyche, a mark, of who one used to be and who one will become. This type of ritual isn’t found in many places in modern culture, and I believe it is important to have a ritual like this to mark our transition from one version of ourselves to the next.

How do we determine who deserves a stripe and when? Most often it’s the teacher, who is a black belt, that determines this. By watching you, rolling with you, seeing how your character has developed over time, seeing what jiu jitsu skills you have, your courage, maybe you win some tournaments. Some folks get stripes faster than others, and some folks get upset when they haven’t gotten the recognition they feel they deserve. This is where the concept of ‘I stripe myself’ comes in. Briefly, let go of the idea of teacher whether stripes you or not- and begin a reflection of your own journey. How can you recognize what you’ve done? This also goes for any work that you do, artistic, blue collar, physical, etc. You get to recognize what you have done in a culture that often points out what you haven’t.

Lately I was wondering, with our upcoming belt promotions, ‘Was I was going to be striped? And receive my second stripe?’. I was feeling sad that I might miss the belt promotion day, and if I did, I wanted to be seen by my community. I especially wanted my parents to see me. I wanted them all to see what a journey I had in jiu jitsu this year. I felt like this upcoming belt promotion day felt so meaningful and important-and how would I feel if I didn’t get a stripe? There was a part of me that wanted to pretend like it wouldn’t matter, but it did. So I decided to honor how much it mattered to myself. I told my own story, to myself. I decided internally, to stripe myself. 

I told the story to myself of how much I breathed through, and that I pushed my most tender parts into the most fearful places and came out the other side. That I learned strength and earned resilience. When I was being choked and old trauma came up, I breathed through it.
Sometimes I would finish the roll, sometimes I would just breathe though it on the sidelines, sometimes I could only finish the day rolling with a woman, but I stayed on the mat. Jiu jitsu taught me how to trust men again. It also taught me about forgiveness.

I saw how my sexual energy bled over in the jiu jitsu mats and how I wanted to be loved through my sexuality. I saw how I pulled my energy back over and over and loved myself. Every time I wanted brotherhood, but felt like a sex object, I went into my heart and saw my wholeness as a sister. I see the work I did, and how much I shifted and changed. I found real brothers in the jiu jitsu space.

I gracefully moved through vertigo from being kicked in the head, and lived through viral meningitis. I had a brief bought of staph and couldn’t train, and I was so happy and cried on the mats every time I was able to show up again. So grateful that I had a body that could do this beautiful practice. That I can live through all of this and still be here-that there is something worth living for, that I won’t leave this earth because things are hard. Jiu jitsu is the place where I can keep showing up, through everything that I’ve been through. It shows me I haven’t given up. I also have developed so much in my own practice, and have learned so much new jiu jitsu.
Now I no longer have trauma responses when I roll with men, and I hope to do a competition soon.

In my own recognition, I decide to see me. I hope this inspires anyone who doesn’t get a stripe when they wanted, or for anyone not feeling enough, (like I do constantly) to go back and reflect on what you have done, and give an honest inventory. To see your resilience, power and strength, to see how much jiu jitsu you have learned. Sometimes there are truly things we need to work on, and sometimes maybe your teacher just wanted to space it out cause there’s only so many stripes you can get and there’s nothing you can do. 

In that case, in your own mind, stripe yourself. You can even make a little ritual about it if need be (on that day, alone in your house) cut a little white piece of paper that looks like a stripe and put it somewhere special. You know the work you have put in, and only you know the work you need to do to continue to earn your stripes, you little zebra.

All love and stripes,

Chelsea